February 4th comes and goes every year without fail. I never paid attention to this particular day until it came in 1995. Sixteen years ago. Sixteen years old today. Every February 3rd, I go to bed begging for a dream to let me know he is okay...to catch a glimpse...and always wake up crying. February 4th, 1995 is my biggest dent...a gouge...a jagged-edged, rusty gouge of a dent. My darkest hour. An hour so dark, I seriously contemplated suicide. This year, I decided it was going to be different. Actually, last year I decided it was going to be different. When this time of year comes around, I spend so much time focusing on what I lost, and I forget about what I gained. So, I have tried to spend the last year being thankful for what I have at the expense of what I lost...I have to admit, there were some really difficult moments, but the very short 45 minutes I had with him today made me realize that dent is not so rusty and jagged anymore...it's present...but...I'm...okay. I'm more than okay. I'm almost ashamed to say...I'm thankful. Today is the first time I felt the sting of the tears, but they didn't fall. The first time in 16 years.
Today, I took my almost 15-year old to get new glasses. From the moment I picked him up, until we got to the doctor we laughed...and we talked...I mean really talked. He talked to me about his day, he was excited about something a teacher said. I talked to him about my day...today...and yesterday. He listened, he talked. We got to the doctor and I waited outside the room. He picked out his glasses, we joked around some more. I asked him if he knew how much I loved him...because it's important he knows.
Today was the first day I realized that had that darkness not surrounded me 16 years ago...I would not have my boy. I used to think..."well...maybe I would"...but it's impossible. If he hadn't come to me exactly when he did...he wouldn't be who he is.
For the first time in 16 years, I am okay.
I am...thankful.
Everything happens for a reason.
I love you, Andrea
ReplyDeleteA... I went through what you did from the other side..
ReplyDeleteI say to you, what I say ever time.. I meet someone that...
That sucks.. I am sorry.. It never goes away.. I wish I could say it does.. Time.. just has a way.. of making it less painful..
I will post soon about what it was like.. on the other side of this..