WTF...

...comes after Monday and Tuesday.  And that's the kind of week it's been.


When I became a teacher, I wanted to be like Lou Ann Johnson from Dangerous Minds.  Erin Gruwell from Freedom Writers.  That's who I was going to be.  I was going to make a difference.


My first year, I had students who walked all over me.  But I let them.  I didn't come in strict enough.  I wanted to be their friend.  I thought they would respect me.  Wrong...  Although, I do still speak with one student from my first year.  She sends me text messages at least twice a week.  I made a difference to her.


My second year was completely different.  It was...easy.  I miss those kids every day.  I wasn't nice.  As a matter of fact, on the first day, I was standing outside of my classroom as the kids were walking in, and one girl looked at me and asked "are you nice?"...I just looked at her.  I actually threw a student out of class that first day, and called her mom that night.  But that year, I developed the kinds of relationships I wish my teachers would have developed with me.  I had a student confess trying drugs for the first time...I was the only person (besides his mother) who knew.  He still comes into my classroom when I'm not around and leaves me notes...he's in 10th grade.  Some still send me emails and ask for math help.  Last week, I had a note in my mailbox from another student who told me I was still her favorite, even though she's been through two more years since having me.  I miss those kids.


My third year was...challenging.  I wasn't nice in the beginning.  I had high expectations...and eventually, they rose to meet them.  They fought me...I didn't budge.  They complained to their parents about me...the parents took their side...I didn't budge.  They rose to my expectations.  Do I miss them?  Yes.  But not for the reasons I miss my kids from my second year.  Some of them I miss because when I taught them, at least I knew where they were from 7:45 until 2:40...they were safe.  I had to make my first DSS call to report child abuse.  I built a relationship, based on trust, with that student, and then thought I trashed it when I made that call.  He asked me if I "told"...and at first, I lied.  But...I'm not a liar...and later that afternoon, I told him that it was me that called.  I told him that I would rather he be mad at me for calling social services than for him to be mad at me for not calling.  That, I couldn't live with.  And you know what?  He has come to visit a couple of times this year.  I had a student who growled at me...regularly...or huffed and puffed through his nose like a bull getting ready to charge.  My third year was challenging...and I miss knowing those kids are safe. 


My fourth year is downright hard.  I am being tested in ways I never thought I wouldn't be able to handle.  And, I don't mean by behaviors.  Well...I guess in a way, it is about behaviors.   I wasn't nice in the beginning.  Hell...quite honestly...I'm still not able to be "nice."  They can't handle it.  I tried.  It's complete and total chaos.  I guess they respond better when you're a bitch?  This year, I built a relationship with a student because of a sticky note.  She has blond hair, freckles across her nose, and wears very heavy eye makeup.  I had to kick her out of class on the second day of school.  She threw the papers I gave her on the floor and told me she wasn't doing it.  She said school was pointless when all she wanted to do was drop out when she was 16.  When she walked out of class, I followed her, she called me stupid and told her I was going to have to call home.  She said "I don't care...no one's there."  And I said, "really?  There are no adults in your house?"  And she said "yea...but they're always drunk."  And she started to cry.  I walked closer to her and she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and sobbed.  I rubbed the back of her head and whispered "shhhhhh" into her hair.  I sent her to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face and wipe the mascara streaks off of her cheeks.  She wasn't in school for the rest of the week...and the first two days of the following week.  I asked the other students where she was, and all they would tell me was "___________ (insert name)?  She's never in school."  When she came back, she walked in late, with dyed hot pink hair, freckles across her nose, and very heavy eye makeup.  She sat down and just looked at me.  I was already in the middle of teaching, so I continued what I was saying and nonchalantly wrote on a sticky note "__________________ (insert name), I'm so glad you're back...I missed you" and put a smiley face on it.  I walked over to her and stuck it to her binder.  At the end of class, she walked up to me and gave me a piece of paper that said "i missd u to...ill explane l8er" and walked out.  She came to school once or twice a week...still refused to work...but wasn't really rude about it.  As the weeks progressed, she found out they were being evicted but didn't want to leave the school so she moved in with a friend...supposedly, her mother was going to rehab.  She has been at school every day since then, hot pink...or purple...hair, freckles across her nose, very dark eye makeup.  Until last week... 


______________(insert name) got in two teachers' faces, mine included.  She didn't threaten me, she just called me a fucking bitch...well...after she said "that's why I hate you fucking teachers," then I had to send her to the office (and write her up)...she called me a fucking bitch while I was walking her to the office.  Unfortunately, she threatened the other teacher.  I was so angry when I was writing that referral...I pressed the pen to the paper so hard my hand cramped.  I didn't even look at her as I walked out of the office.  I just said "see ya."  Now...she's gone.  She was placed in foster care yesterday.  Her mother has a warrant out for her arrest for child abandonment.  She knew this when she got herself into trouble last week.  She knew she was leaving....and she didn't tell me.  She just called me a fucking bitch.  And now...she's gone.


I wonder what color her hair is today?  Is her eye makeup still very dark?  The one thing I do know...she has freckles across her nose...her name is _____________________and I miss that kid.